


Not In A Pumpkin Patch

by idreamofrain



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Gen, Short, Short One Shot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-08-15
Updated: 2009-08-15
Packaged: 2018-02-16 04:14:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,154
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2255523
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/idreamofrain/pseuds/idreamofrain
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Babies do not grow in pumpkin patches. Nor are they carried to your parents in a bundle by a Hippogriff,"<br/>Snape teaches Sex-Ed.<br/></p>
            </blockquote>





	Not In A Pumpkin Patch

A blustery October lunchtime had the fifth year Gryffindors together in the Great Hall listening yet another of Fred and George's _'Tales of Fifth Year'_.

"Word has it that every year, teachers draw straws over who teaches the sex-ed class," said Fred

"It's that or the Sorting Hat gets involved," said George.

"Different story, same ending," Fred said to George.

"Right you are, carry on," said George to Fred.

"Our year got McGonagall. I tell you, that woman does _not_ blush," resumed Fred to a horrified audience.

"Asked her everything we could think of-" 

"-And short of admitting a dabble into porn--" Several faces along the table turned a delicate shade of puce.

_"Oh, I didn't need to hear that,"_ muttered someone further down the table.

"--she went through it all without batting an eyelid," they said and watched the varying expressions on their housemates’ faces.

"If we get McGonagall I'll never sleep soundly again. Ugh," said Ron, his head hitting the table with a thump, only narrowly missing a bowl of mashed swede that Harry quickly moved out of the way.

"Actually, it's worse than you think." said Hermione breathlessly (and looking rather ill) as she slid onto the bench. "We've got Snape."

A black cloud settled over the group, happily creating miniature thunderstorms and fog over their heads until Hermione waved it away with her wand. Ron groaned again, the rest of the group too stunned to say anything. Even Fred and George looked put out. The food on the table remained untouched throughout the rest of lunch, and disappeared when it was time for afternoon classes.

…

"I suppose it's too much to hope that he's forgotten about the class," said Padma to a mild-looking Slytherin after a few minutes wait.

"I think so. He looked almost cheerful this morning at breakfast when it was announced," she replied. "His expression made some of the first years cry."

"He was goading McGonagall over her 'pitiful attempt at putting people off' before lunch finished," commented another Slytherin.

"What's that mean?" asked Padma.

"Not a clue, but I'm not sure I like the sound of it," came the reply.

The door to the classroom ominously swung open to reveal the usual classroom set-up of desks and chairs, an old-fashioned projector, a Pensieve and numerous small jars of memories on a table next to it. Further investigation revealed several _'Mrs X's Horrific Birthing Memories'_ and at least five that were labelled _'Unfortunate First Time Experiences'_. Harry was too horrified to read the rest, and hurried to sit next to Ron who had done the smart thing and avoided the Pensieve altogether.

The classroom was silent with growing apprehension even before Snape swept into the room, his robes billowing behind him as though caught in a high wind. Harry pondered on whether Snape had spelled them to do that for a moment before the professor reached the front of the room. 

"Wands away," he drawled, a hint of malice glinting in his eye. A nervous giggle resounded in the front row of Ravenclaws.

"Quiet," he said, and briefly pondered whether to let the fools in gently or throw them in at the deep end. Deciding he would get a better reaction with the second, he plunged ahead, making certain he had set off a spell that would record the whole class. 

"Babies do not grow in pumpkin patches. Nor are they carried to your parents in a bundle by a Hippogriff," he drawled.

"What?!" The shocked exclamation came from a Slytherin somewhere on the right hand-side of the room. Snape quelled any further utterings with a pointed glare.

"I am presuming your parents have given you knowledge to _some_ extent on the subject of this class. Although some of you need not worry, as I highly doubt you shall be troubled by the opposite..." He broke off, sensing a hand in the air.

"Yes, Granger?" he said. The class turned to look at Hermione, whose hands were firmly clasped in her lap, eyes to the table.

"Over here, Professor!" All heads turned back around to stare at-

"Mister Macmillan?" queried Snape, cocking an eyebrow at Ernie.

"Is this going to be all theory? Or will there be practical too?"

A book flew across the classroom and smacked into the side of his head with a resounding thwack, nearly knocking him off his chair.

"Don't be such a Hufflepuff, Macmillan."

"Yes, thank you Samuels." Snape looked as though he wished he'd gotten there first.  
He gave a pile of books on the desk a tap with his wand and sent them floating around the room, flipping open to a page which featured a rather grainy static photograph of a naked male and female.

"Oh my god, I think that's my mum!" Ernie exclaimed, after a brief perusal of said photograph.

"Isn't that Filch?" whispered Ron, hardly daring to look.

"I think I'm going to be sick," groaned Ernie, earning himself a sympathetic pat on the shoulder from Susan Bones before she shifted bodily away from him.

The class sat in absolute silence for the rest of the lesson, trying in vain not to listen. Harry spent most of it practising his Occlumency without much success, since his brain kept flashing very unwelcome images every time he cleared his mind. Even Hermione, who would usually be asking questions at the rate of a mile-a-minute, was silently completing her Arithmancy homework in her head. Others had gone as far as casting spells on their ears to turn Snape’s droning into music. Ron was eventually found out when Snape caught him humming along to Celestina Warbeck as he doodled on his parchment and was given a resounding whack around the ear with a pamphlet entitled _'Pregnancy and You: What if it's a Squib?!'_.

"You would do well to pay attention to this class, Weasley," he drawled and threw the pamphlet onto the desk, leaving Ron looking furious as Snape swooped off to where Neville was trying desperately to forget everything he had just read.

The rest of the three hour class passed by so slowly it seemed it would never end. It wasn't until Snape had swept back out of the room and slammed the door behind him that the majority of the room's occupants even realised the nightmare was over. 

"Let's get out of here before he gets a second wind and comes back!" cried Dean, and started a stampede for the door.

…

"If I ever hear the word 'sex' come out of Snape's mouth again, I'll Obliviate myself with my old wand," Ron said to Harry and Hermione as they slumped in front of the fire in the Common Room later that evening.

"You're too late," said Hermione. "I heard Crabbe got there first. Made a complete pig’s ear of it, of course.” She joined them on the couch. “Not that anyone will notice," she sniffed, opening a book.


End file.
